About this time of year, I go into a month or two long period where I just get overwhelmed and so stuck inside my head that I can’t create anything. I can’t work on anything. I can’t pick up the stylus and I can’t seem to muster the internal strength to even open up Photoshop.
I suffer from chronic depression, but also extreme anxiety, and those little voices in my head just overwhelm me to the point where I become confused by whether I care too much or I care too little. I become a living mess. I lose perspective creatively and personally. I become unstable, erratic, and I look for anything to make it all go away. I feel powerless and pathetic. I make poor interpersonal choices with those closest to me, despite trying so hard not to make those mistakes as I try to find a reason for it all.
There may not even be a reason beside irrational fear serving itself, which makes it so much harder to sort out the rational from the irrational, and to legitimize that which ails me truly. I keep it to myself, not wishing to make a big deal of it, not wishing to draw attention to my anguish because it is a source of shame to me. I don’t wish to inconvenience anyone else. What’s worse is that I can’t even decide what I need, and deny myself a support system.
Thinking about it tonight, and just idly looking through tumblr, I realize that so many folks feel the same failings, shame and insecurities that I do about our mental statuses. And it reminds me that we are all human, and we all suffer. And then I think that I need to own all of the shame and insecurity, and nothingness and everything-to-eleven that I feel. It is only then that I become the master of myself. Taking responsibility for all this gut-wrenching heartache, I take steps towards setting myself free. I feel just a little bit less out of control. I can then reclaim myself both creatively and personally. It takes a while, certainly, but eventually, I re-center. It gets a little easier each year as a grow a little more as a person. I recognize the self-sabotage. And I just keep moving forward. I see that that makes me strong, and not weak.
Of course, after not drawing or painting for four to six weeks, I feel about twelve weeks behind, and that I’ve wasted such time. But I’ve found that there is no justice in pushing myself when I am not ready, and that I am the only one that knows when it is time to pick up the stylus again and to re-train my hand and my brain. After all, I’m a creative, and I need to create. I only get better by doing.
Thank you for indulging this moment of confession. I will have some illustrations…soon!
Q:Hi! So I'm fairly new to this site but I live your artwork. How much do your commissions costs?
WIP. Commission. Ebon Hawk.